International Brotherhood of Grinches

The day is fast approaching when I will have to turn in my member’s card for the International Brotherhood of Grinches.  The pressure from my wife to decorate the outside of the house has now been compounded by questions from Griffin and Gage as to why we don’t have outdoor Christmas lights of our own.  My mother has not been helping, with her offers of left over lights from their own decoration efforts.

I long for the earlier days when I could misdirect the young ones by saying things like, “Don’t you think it’s cooler to look at our neighbors decorations?”  And, “Which decorations on our street do you think are the best?”  Now, they won’t stray from the point that we are one of the few homes left with no visible holiday adornments.

It’s not that I hate Christmas decorations, by any means.  I simply don’t want to spend the time, money, and effort of draping the house with lights that will be turned on for 14 or 15 evenings at best.  I don’t understand what drives our neighbors to invest so much in their own displays, unless it would be competition with the family next door.

 

Christmas Deer

In my experience, these things evolve over the years.  Many that began as tasteful and elegant displays of holiday cheer now simply look like Christmas threw up on the neighbor’s lawn.  They are a hodge-podge of light strands and plywood Santa cut-outs that slowly but surely multiply until you start to wonder if they are massing for an invasion of your own property.  And what’s with the deer?  Is this going on all over the nation, or is it just a southern thing?

Sad Little Christmas Tree

I’m sad to say that we have already taken our first foray into this mad world of competitive decorating.  Tamara bought a sad little sprig of a lighted tree and stuck it on our front porch.  I think we’ve turned it on about three times.  A disheartening part is knowing that each step taken down this road of decoration can never be taken back.  We will no longer be “that family who only has a wreath on the door.”  We are now “the family who only has a wreath on the door and a sad little Christmas tree in front of it.”

I know that many of you guys out there have experienced the same thing with your families.  My question to you:  Is there any hope that I can hold out a little longer, or is it time to throw in the poinsettia embroidered towel?

Down the Drain

FACT:  The bathtub drain was not designed to funnel away an entire tub full of water and toilet paper.

“How can you be so sure,” you might ask.  Well, just sit right back and I’ll explain how I have firsthand knowledge of this scenario.

On Thursday night, I spent a little extra time playing with the boys before sending them to bed.  It has been an extremely stressful week, what with all the things going on at work, and I’m afraid the boys have been feeling a bit of fallout from that stress.  Griffin made up some crazy monster game where I chase them and try to tickle them, and they shoot me with various plastic toy missiles.  It’s a hoot!  I get to lie in the floor and rest a lot while pretending to be dead.

Anyway, I made the nightly announcement that it was time for a bath and was met with the normal chorus of ‘awww, man’.  Then Griffin quickly added, “Can we play with the bath paints?”  I thought for a moment and decided that it was something special that would make bath time fun, and they had been a little short on fun this week, so I said “Sure.”

I dumped some red, yellow, and green bath paint on the soap shelf in the tub, and Griffin immediately mixed them into a color I like to call ‘puke’.  While I went to get Gage ready, he spread the entire puke tinted amalgamation over three walls of the tub.  When I got back with little brother, I poured some more paint out and left the room to take care of some other important things (like trying to beat Lorra Taylor’s score on Bejeweled Blitz).

After a while, I heard Griffin tell his little brother, “Let’s clean this up.”  It made my heart swell with pride!  My son was displaying a level of responsibility that seems to be devoid in children twice or even three times his age.  I kept playing.

My first clue that something had gone south was when I heard Griffin say, “Gage, Daddy’s not going to be very happy with us…Daddy’s not going to be very happy with me, at all.”  I foolishly thought, “How bad could it be, they probably splashed some water out of the tub.” 

I left my post at the computer and headed in to finish up the bath.  When I came through the door, I saw that the floor was a little wet, so I told the boys that they needed to keep the water inside the tub, and I sat down to help them finish cleaning up.  I was a bit surprised to see something long, white, and fibrous plastered to Gage’s leg when he stood up.  “What is this,” I asked, pointing to the mass.

I got no immediate answer, but as I looked closer, I noticed that the stuff was floating everywhere in the tub.  “We got some toilet paper to clean the paint off,” my eldest finally explained.

“Oh…well that’s…umm…that’s not really the best way to wipe it off,” I stuttered.  I threw the cleaning into high gear and pulled the boys out of the tub.  Crossing my fingers, I opened the drain and listened as the water emptied out.  It only took a few seconds before the pipe choked and the water completely quit moving.

Once the kids were in bed, I spent another 20 minutes bailing water out of the tub and getting it ready for a shot of clog remover.  In all that time, I never saw a hint of movement around the drain, and that, my dear people, is how I know bathtubs and toilet paper don’t mix.

Diaper Gremlins

We seem to have a clan of Diaper Gremlins lurking in our house.  I have looked everywhere trying to find their hiding place.  I’ve explored the attic, searched through the garage, and even poked around in the heating/air ducts, but have yet to see any trace of the little pranksters.

The tell-tale symptoms started showing up a little while after we brought Haven home from the hospital, so I assume they got into her diaper bag or Tamara’s duffle bag while we were there.  Normally, it wouldn’t vex me so much, but these creatures seem bent on making me look foolish in front of my wife.

No matter how much I pay attention to detail at the changing table, the problems continually crop up.  I take off the old diaper, clean up the baby, put on the new diaper, clean the umbilical stump, put the used cotton ball in the old diaper, CLOSE it up, and then throw it in the Diaper Genie.  When I come back later, the old diaper is lying there on the changing table, still opened.  It’s beyond annoying.

Through experimentation, I’ve determined that Diaper Gremlins are mostly nocturnal creatures, though they’re not above pulling the diaper back out and putting on the changing table in broad daylight if given a chance.  However, their absolute favorite time to work seems to be right after those diaper changes that occur between two and five a.m.

It’s hard to find the bright side about a whimsical pest taking up residence in your home, but I can at least be thankful that they don’t mess with the soiled diapers.  Those always manage to stay safely sealed away in the Diaper Genie.  I guess that goes to show that there are things too gross for even a Diaper Gremlin.  I’m also glad they don’t fling them about the room or hide them in some unseemly place.  It turns out that they like to put the diapers in the same location I set them when changing Haven, so you can see how there is a natural assumption that I just didn’t finish the job.

Following that line of thought, my wife is convinced that I’m just forgetting to throw them away.  This is particularly annoying since gremlins are a slippery sort and I can’t get any hard proof to show that they are responsible.  Motion detecting cameras are far too slow to catch the movement of this whimsical creature, and I’d try high-speed video, but everyone knows that gremlins can just alter the film to make it look like I was the one who left it there.

Last night, I tried covering the changing table with glue trap paper to snag them in the act, but it only made the baby mad when I had to pull her off of it.  So, at this point I’m stumped, and definitely open to any ideas.

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Note:  Gremlins are mythical creatures.  They don’t exist.  If this entry has in any way confused you, let me explain:  I keep forgetting to put the diapers in the Diaper Genie.  The End.

Company 4 Sale

I do my best to keep this BLOG on the humorous side of life.  Many times, the things that frustrate us and try us are funny to look back on.  That being said, there are some moments in life that are too big and scary to find the humor in, and that’s where I find myself today.

The company I’ve worked at for the past six years is in the process of being bought by an international corporation that is 95% larger than us.  It’s a good thing for my company and shareholders to be part of this buyout.  The jury is still out on whether it’s good for me personally.

The specific part of the business that I work in was a small percentage of our company before we were bought out.  Now that we will be part of ABB, not only is my section small, but we provide a product that our new parent company already has covered.  For all intents and purposes, it seems that my job may be unneeded.

Our company claims that no job will be lost, ‘employees will be offered a job, though it may not be what they were previously doing, or it may be in a new location.’  Does this mean we’ve moved back home from Maryland to stay for only 6 years before we’re off to some other place?  Possibly.

So many questions are on my mind, but the answers won’t come until 2011 is well underway. 

There are many times in life where we play the waiting game.  We wait to hear about the results of a lab test from the doctor, we wait to hear if we’re going to get a job offer from that company we interviewed with, we wait to reach that wedding date when we can begin the rest of our lives together.  I don’t know anyone who likes to wait when big issues like this are up in the air.  But sometimes we don’t have a choice.

To those of you reading this BLOG, I’d ask that you pray for us to clearly see the direction God would have us go.

I know this is one of those “watershed” moments that turn our lives and personalities into what they are.  I just want to take our family the right way.