What I Know About Soccer II

Soccer season is upon us again.  I’m proud to say that Griffin’s team (The Razordogs) has won both of their first two matches.  This is something brand new to us as we went through the entire season last year without a win.  Griffin seems to be adjusting well to it.  His only complaint at the beginning of the season was that he was being coached by girls.  They couldn’t possibly know what they were doing.  I think the results speak for themselves.

I’m very grateful that I had a chance to study the sport with my oldest son last year, because Gage started this year as well, and things are totally different in the 4 year old league.  In fact, if I were to learn everything I knew about soccer from the footballing four-year olds, it would go something like this…

Soccer is not at all what I thought.  I imagined it to be a game where teams fluidly passed the ball up and down the field with their feet trying to kick it passed the goalie and into the net.  Instead, what I see resembles a cross between a flash mob and a mixed martial arts competition.  A soccer ball has been thrown into the cage as an afterthought.  There is an honest to goodness penalty box that is used during each match!  I thought that was only in hockey, and yet I see the necessity of having it with these young ones.  My son has logged quite a few minutes in the box already, but don’t think for a second that he’s the bully of the field.  No, Gage takes as good as he gives.  Last Thursday’s match left him with a sore on his tongue where he bit it during a tussle.  Poor boy has barely been able to eat this weekend.

It turns out I was completely wrong about the goalie.  There is no goalie.  You would think that this would lead to some high scoring games, but that hasn’t been the case so far.  In fact, I’ve found that a large amount of the game is played behind the goals, an area I previously thought was out of bounds.  It seems that the only true boundary is the chain link fence of the softball field, and I think that’s only an artificial limit imposed by the fact that little ones can’t kick the ball through an open gate.

I also found that I was in error about the point of the game.  In my mind, it was to kick the ball in the net and score a point.  I was only half right.  The goal of the game is simply to kick the ball or tackle the person who is keeping you from kicking the ball.  Direction matters not.  Kick it toward either net you want, kick it past the net, and then keep kicking it.  The more time your foot is in contact with the ball, the more you are winning.

It’s thirty minutes of loosely officiated mayhem that the kids love.

The Law is the Law

Most people are familiar with the various laws that rule the physical world around us.  The Law of Gravity comes to mind as one my children have had ample opportunity to familiarize themselves with.  But there’s a whole plethora of helpful laws, detailed on the internet, that help describe other aspects of this life.  To save you from the laborious task of firing up your search engine, I’ll detail some of the more interesting ones here:

The Law of Reality

                Never get into fights with ugly people.  They have nothing to lose.

The Law of Self Sacrifice

                When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

Barnes’ Law

                Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

The Law of Probable Dispersal

                Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

The Law of Volunteer Labor

                People are always available for work in the past tense.

Oliver’s Law

                Experience is something you don’t get until right after you need it.

The Law of Observance

                It is what it is, and it ain’t what it ain’t.

To this inimitable list, I’d like to add my own freshly minted law.  After much consideration and scrutiny, I have noticed that people tend to long for the “old days” when everything was easier.  We’ll look at a child who is longing with all their might to get older and tell them, “You don’t know how good you have it right now!  You have so little responsibility, all your needs are taken care of, you only have to walk uphill one way on your trips to and from school!” etc, etc ad nauseum.

After a little introspection, I found myself thinking of my whole life in those terms.  When I was in college, I fondly recalled the days of High School.  After I was married, I reflected on our dating life and perceived that it was somehow a little easier back then.  Once our first child came along, I realized just how simple life had been before, and how little we had taken advantage of it.  Then child number two came, and I laughed at how hard I thought we had it with only one child.  Child number three showed up, and I wept great heaving sobs at my own ignorance in thinking that two was difficult.  Therefore, without trying to put any further pessimistic bent on it, I give you:

Michael’s Law

                Your life will never again be easier than it is right now.

I know that sounds really morbid when you write it out, but bear with me a minute.  I didn’t say that life would never be more enjoyable or fun or fulfilling than it is right now; I only said it wouldn’t get any easier.  There will always be another difficulty to rise up and take the place of the most recent obstacle you’ve overcome.  The point of the law is to emphasize that we should try to look at our current situation and enjoy it for all its worth.

I know…easier said than done.  But the law is the law.

Three Strikes! You're...awesome?

This past Saturday, our LifeGroup had a class get together at a local bowling alley.  It was a fairly good day to go, since there was also an airshow in town and the seventy-two lanes were mostly empty.  We were able to spread out over four lanes, one for men, one for women, and two lanes for the twelve kids we had along with us.

It’s safe to say that none of us will be entering the PBA anytime soon.  There was all manner of technique on display, from a wicked curve ball to plain brute force, none of which resulted in impressive scores.  There was also quite a lack of technique to be seen as well.  The important part is that most everyone had a good time.

After all was said and done, I found that one thing really stood out to me.  I mean no disrespect to the bowling alley or Professional/Amateur bowlers in general, but from what I’ve seen, this is just not a kid’s game.  Much to their credit, they try to make it work, with rails that come up out of the floor to block the gutter and ramps to help the kids aim their ball and give it the necessary speed to make it to the pins.  But let’s be real, the odds are stacked against children from the start…

First off, there’s the bowling ball.  It’s an unwieldy six to sixteen pound slippery-smooth sphere that the child is supposed to manhandle from the ball return to the top of the lane.  This might be overlookable if those stylish bowling shoes came standard with steel toes, but they don’t.  Gage tried to set it down on the floor and kick it like a soccer ball…he only did that once.

That brings me to the technique of actually throwing the ball.  There is a tendency among many children to hover close to their parents in social situations.  You don’t have to be a genius to figure out that connecting the backswing of your ball with a toddlers face is largely undesirable.  Compound that with the fact that not all of us are professional bowlers, and as such, the release of the bowling ball is not guaranteed to be in a forward direction.

But, assuming all that was fixed, and we were able to fling puffy white clouds at the bowling pins, there’s still the matter of the rules.  For the first years of a child’s life, you pour yourself into teaching them how to take turns and treat each other fairly.  Now, take them to a bowling alley and try to explain to your sobbing four year old why she doesn’t get her second turn after making a strike.  It’s punishing them for doing a good job…not fair!  And let’s not even mention the tenth frame, where some of their friends get THREE turns while they only get two.

Despite these “issues”, I think every kid had a great time.  If you’re considering taking yours bowling, I’d suggest that you go ahead and do it.  Maybe knowing these pitfalls ahead of time will help you safely and enjoyably navigate the game.