What I Know About Soccer

Like almost every other average, red-blooded southerner, I have absolutely no idea what the game of soccer is all about.  Up until recently, I thought ‘soccer’ was something you did to your dog when she dug up the flower bed in the back yard.  Fortunately, I’ve been blessed to work next to a couple of guys, one from the Congo, one from Argentina, that have done their best to educate me on the sport.  Apparently, it’s the biggest thing going to the rest of the known world. 

The only reason this issue is even remotely newsworthy, is because Griffin has decided that he wants to play this mysterious sport.  In fact, he had his very first practice last Saturday, and seems to love it.  He wants to wear his boots (I call them cleats) around the house, and sleep with his soccer ball at night.

The bulk of what I know comes from my coworkers and the few matches of the World Cup that I got to watch earlier this year.  That being said, I still feel like I’m way behind the curve on knowledge of the game.

There are strange penalties that I don’t really understand.  The biggest of which is the error of “Off-sides”.  This rule seems to give the referee a way to punish the team with the fastest runners.  Kick the ball ahead to a teammate who’s managed to outrun all the defenders, and the whistle will be blown, giving the ball back to the defending team.  It’s kind of like our current socio-economic climate, “Punish the person who manages to get ahead.”

Another aspect of “football” that I had never stopped to consider is that it requires a great deal of acting.  We’re really going to have to work with Griffin on this.  In the professional matches that I’ve watched, if a defender even so much as grazes the offensive team, it is incumbent upon the ball handler to fall over and feign mortal injury.  Many times, it will result in a favorable penalty call from the ref.  I don’t know what goes through the officials mind, but it’s probably something like, “By Jove!  I didn’t see what happened, but since that man’s head is partially removed, there must have been a foul!”  It is truly a complex sport that requires its participants to not only have athletic ability but also an extensive thespian background.

And speaking of penalties, there is also some sort of card game that gets played through the entire match.  It is only played by the officials on the field, so I presume it is something to keep their minds busy during the long endless periods when neither team can get a ball in the goal.  I don’t imagine that it’s too complex of a game, since it is only played with a yellow and a red card, but it does merit some more research on my part.

Finally, in the event that a team does score a goal, there is the complex and painful scoring celebration.  In my opinion, you never want to be the guy who makes a goal.  First, you are required to rip your jersey from your body and run toward the sideline, holding your arms in the air.  Next, your entire team is obligated to completely mob you.  It’s inescapable.  I’ve seen guys try to slide and get out of the way, to no avail.  Their entire team dog-piled them anyway.  I can only hope that Griffin is never unlucky enough to score a goal.  

Maybe he’ll get the goalie position.  At least then he can use his hands to protect himself from the ball.

It won’t be too long until we move beyond practices and start playing games, so if you get a chance and want to come out and watch the Eagles play, feel free.  I’ll do my best to explain the game to you.  I’ve been working on basic ball handling with Griffin, but we should get the jerseys soon, and when we do, I’ll start working on helping him rip the shirt off his head and run for his life.