New Exercise Program

I am somewhat new to the exercise scene.  In my younger days, I was so physically active that I never worried about staying fit, it just happened.  But life has a way of pushing you toward a sedentary existence, and as a result, my waistline has expanded far beyond where it should be.  I find that I now need someone to explicitly tell me the details of how and when I should be working out, and let me tell you, there’s no end of fitness guru’s willing to step up and take that position.

When I bothered to start listening, I heard about all these cool exercise programs with mysterious names.  P90X and C25K quickly funneled themselves to the top of my list, and I got excited about taking my future health into my own hands.  That feeling quickly wore off.

You see, I have a theory about people.  I think that when most people start a job, they are excited about going to work and think it’s because they want a career.  A little ways down the road, they figure out that they didn’t really want a career, they just wanted paychecks.  It’s very similar with exercise.  I don’t think people want to exercise because they like to exercise.  They exercise because they want to be thin.

With that goal in mind, I decided to try and make my own exercise program.  Like any good routine, I needed a cool name to go along with it.  Following the current trend, I made a random character generator and it gave me *22_ (That’s pronounced Splat Twenty-Two Underscore).  In retrospect, I realized my programming left out a few important limits, but decided to stick with it because it’s really unique.

The entire brunt of the Splat Twenty-Two Underscore workout is very simple.  You always walk to the mailbox.  That’s it.  It’s not complicated, it’s not complex.  Every day you walk to the mailbox.  Admittedly, those of you who live in the country and rent a P.O. Box are going to get a much bigger workout than those of us who get their mail at the curb, but that’s the way the low-fat cookie crumbles.

Now, here’s the catch, and I’m not even putting it in small print at the bottom of the page.  Like any exercise program, the real secret to the effectiveness lies in the diet.  The Splat Twenty-Two Underscore diet is as simple as the physical regimen.  Eat anything you want…but if it’s bad for you, you have to spit it out when you’re done chewing on it.  This, in part, is why I decided to keep the randomly generated name.  Splat is an accurate description of how your half-chewed food will sound as it rolls out of your mouth and hits the plate.  An added effect is that when one family member is on this unrestrictive diet, the rest of the family will probably tend to shed pounds due to a loss of appetite.  It’s a win-win situation for everyone!

As with most of my Blogging suggestions, I have no intention of giving this a whirl.  I’m sticking with C25K for the time being.  But, if anyone is crazy brave enough to give it a try, please let me know how it works out.  I’d love to get rich off this idea and quit worrying about a career.