What I Know About Soccer II

Soccer season is upon us again.  I’m proud to say that Griffin’s team (The Razordogs) has won both of their first two matches.  This is something brand new to us as we went through the entire season last year without a win.  Griffin seems to be adjusting well to it.  His only complaint at the beginning of the season was that he was being coached by girls.  They couldn’t possibly know what they were doing.  I think the results speak for themselves.

I’m very grateful that I had a chance to study the sport with my oldest son last year, because Gage started this year as well, and things are totally different in the 4 year old league.  In fact, if I were to learn everything I knew about soccer from the footballing four-year olds, it would go something like this…

Soccer is not at all what I thought.  I imagined it to be a game where teams fluidly passed the ball up and down the field with their feet trying to kick it passed the goalie and into the net.  Instead, what I see resembles a cross between a flash mob and a mixed martial arts competition.  A soccer ball has been thrown into the cage as an afterthought.  There is an honest to goodness penalty box that is used during each match!  I thought that was only in hockey, and yet I see the necessity of having it with these young ones.  My son has logged quite a few minutes in the box already, but don’t think for a second that he’s the bully of the field.  No, Gage takes as good as he gives.  Last Thursday’s match left him with a sore on his tongue where he bit it during a tussle.  Poor boy has barely been able to eat this weekend.

It turns out I was completely wrong about the goalie.  There is no goalie.  You would think that this would lead to some high scoring games, but that hasn’t been the case so far.  In fact, I’ve found that a large amount of the game is played behind the goals, an area I previously thought was out of bounds.  It seems that the only true boundary is the chain link fence of the softball field, and I think that’s only an artificial limit imposed by the fact that little ones can’t kick the ball through an open gate.

I also found that I was in error about the point of the game.  In my mind, it was to kick the ball in the net and score a point.  I was only half right.  The goal of the game is simply to kick the ball or tackle the person who is keeping you from kicking the ball.  Direction matters not.  Kick it toward either net you want, kick it past the net, and then keep kicking it.  The more time your foot is in contact with the ball, the more you are winning.

It’s thirty minutes of loosely officiated mayhem that the kids love.

First Soccer Game Report

Well, we had our first two soccer games this last weekend, and I’m afraid to say they didn’t go as well as I had hoped.  The Eagles did not soar.  In fact, after seeing the size of the other teams, I think we should be renamed the “Eaglets” or maybe the “Fledglings”.  At least that’s the thought I had when I watched them take our team of four and five year olds and feed them to first graders.

Griffin played goalie for most of the game, and did a fairly decent job of protecting his charge.  That’s not to say he didn’t have a few glaring errors, but when you factor in that we spent the entire game on defense, he did alright.  I did not keep track of the scores for either game.  Suffice it to say that in both cases it was ‘a whole lot of points’ to ‘zero’.

For most of the first game, I lamented that our offense never pushed into enemy territory.  Were it not for the fact that we change sides after the second period, our players might not have seen the other half of the field.  This is not how I thought things would go.  I had expected that the ref would put the ball down, blow the whistle, and it would be a mob of children surrounding the ball and barely moving it one way or the other.  In reality, the other team consistently took the ball from us and we chased them all the way to our goal. 

That’s not to say that there weren’t a few bright spots in the games.  Somewhere in the fourth period we managed to get the ball and push it past mid-field.  Then during our second game we pushed it past mid-field two more times.  You would have thought we won the game the way parents reacted.  We also had one incredible block by our youngest player.  She was helping defend the goal when one of the first graders launched a vicious kick toward the net.  Using her head, she knocked the ball away, and Griffin jumped on it.  Had it been intentional, that would have been awesome.  But when I say she used her head, it would be more precise to say she used her face, and by ‘used’ I more accurately mean that she had it in the wrong place when the ball came screaming in.  There was much crying.

Even though they lost both games, I know that Griffin had fun playing.  I think all the kids on the field had a good time, and I know the ones on the bench were having a blast running around and using the wooden surface as a balancing beam.

Sadly, I wasn’t approached by any scouts from Gatorade or Nike, but it’s still pretty early in the season.  With the direction things are heading, I imagine Griffin will put up a record number of saves this year, and that has to get the attention of some sort of sponsorship.

What I Know About Soccer

Like almost every other average, red-blooded southerner, I have absolutely no idea what the game of soccer is all about.  Up until recently, I thought ‘soccer’ was something you did to your dog when she dug up the flower bed in the back yard.  Fortunately, I’ve been blessed to work next to a couple of guys, one from the Congo, one from Argentina, that have done their best to educate me on the sport.  Apparently, it’s the biggest thing going to the rest of the known world. 

The only reason this issue is even remotely newsworthy, is because Griffin has decided that he wants to play this mysterious sport.  In fact, he had his very first practice last Saturday, and seems to love it.  He wants to wear his boots (I call them cleats) around the house, and sleep with his soccer ball at night.

The bulk of what I know comes from my coworkers and the few matches of the World Cup that I got to watch earlier this year.  That being said, I still feel like I’m way behind the curve on knowledge of the game.

There are strange penalties that I don’t really understand.  The biggest of which is the error of “Off-sides”.  This rule seems to give the referee a way to punish the team with the fastest runners.  Kick the ball ahead to a teammate who’s managed to outrun all the defenders, and the whistle will be blown, giving the ball back to the defending team.  It’s kind of like our current socio-economic climate, “Punish the person who manages to get ahead.”

Another aspect of “football” that I had never stopped to consider is that it requires a great deal of acting.  We’re really going to have to work with Griffin on this.  In the professional matches that I’ve watched, if a defender even so much as grazes the offensive team, it is incumbent upon the ball handler to fall over and feign mortal injury.  Many times, it will result in a favorable penalty call from the ref.  I don’t know what goes through the officials mind, but it’s probably something like, “By Jove!  I didn’t see what happened, but since that man’s head is partially removed, there must have been a foul!”  It is truly a complex sport that requires its participants to not only have athletic ability but also an extensive thespian background.

And speaking of penalties, there is also some sort of card game that gets played through the entire match.  It is only played by the officials on the field, so I presume it is something to keep their minds busy during the long endless periods when neither team can get a ball in the goal.  I don’t imagine that it’s too complex of a game, since it is only played with a yellow and a red card, but it does merit some more research on my part.

Finally, in the event that a team does score a goal, there is the complex and painful scoring celebration.  In my opinion, you never want to be the guy who makes a goal.  First, you are required to rip your jersey from your body and run toward the sideline, holding your arms in the air.  Next, your entire team is obligated to completely mob you.  It’s inescapable.  I’ve seen guys try to slide and get out of the way, to no avail.  Their entire team dog-piled them anyway.  I can only hope that Griffin is never unlucky enough to score a goal.  

Maybe he’ll get the goalie position.  At least then he can use his hands to protect himself from the ball.

It won’t be too long until we move beyond practices and start playing games, so if you get a chance and want to come out and watch the Eagles play, feel free.  I’ll do my best to explain the game to you.  I’ve been working on basic ball handling with Griffin, but we should get the jerseys soon, and when we do, I’ll start working on helping him rip the shirt off his head and run for his life.