Of Ninjas and Pirates

For those of you who are interested, Proctor & Gamble did respond back to my offer of field testing their Fusion razors.  You can find it here at the bottom of the original post.

It’s every parent’s nightmare.  “How can my son be choosing a life so diametrically opposed to what I believe?”

Some might say I’m overreacting or that it’s way too early to tell, but I disagree.  Since 2001, it’s been firmly established that all people fall into one of two camps.  You either believe in the superiority of Pirates or of Ninjas.

From the early 80s, I knew that the Ninja ruled in all matters of stealth and lethality.  Through much research (copious amounts of Kung Fu Theater), I determined that the path of the Shinobi was where I would walk.  Sensei Rush began my formal training by working to deaden various pressure points on my body.  It hurt, but I didn’t complain.  Ninjas don’t whine.  In fact, they don’t really make much noise at all.  Later, we started working on basic blocks and attacks, which now seem frighteningly similar to Mr. Miagi’s training of young Daniel san.  But, alas, my training trailed off, as it’s extremely hard to teach a 10 year old how to strike from the shadows when he has to be home and washed up for dinner by 5 pm.  Despite that small hindrance, I became very adept at wearing a black hood and running through the woods in broad daylight.

Now, many years later, I’m becoming increasingly aware that my eldest son is choosing the way of the Pirate.  The evidence is overwhelming.  For two Halloweens in a row, he chose the pirate costume.  At first, I was willing to overlook it, because he’s so young…but there’s more.  On St. Patrick’s day, I began to probe the issue a little bit, and the following conversation happened around the dinner table:

Griffin:  During naptime at school, the leprechauns came and gave us two pieces of candy!

Me:  You saw leprechauns?

Griffin:  No, they’re so small that you can’t see them.

Me:  So, you didn’t see who gave you the candy?

Griffin:  No.

Me:  How do you know it was a leprechaun?  It could have been a ninja.

Griffin {matter of factly}:  Daddy, ninjas aren’t real.  Just because they have Ninja Warrior on TV doesn’t mean there are ninjas.

Like a shuriken through the heart.  But what can I say?  Ninjas strive to stay out of the spotlight while those unwashed, boisterous Pirates exploit it.  Disney Corporation is the biggest sinner of them all when it comes to influencing children toward one side!  They start our kids out on Jake and the Neverland Pirates before they’re even potty trained.  And, honestly, how many Pirates of the Caribbean movies are they going to make?!?

I strive to continue my subtle steering of his young mind, but my efforts have continually been met with failure.  This conversation happened in the last couple of weeks:

Griffin:  Daddy did you get me these gloves?

My son...in pirate gear

Me:  You didn’t see who brought them?

Griffin:  No.

Me:  Maybe it was a Gardening Ninja.

Griffin:  Daddy, ninjas aren’t real.  Was it Mommy?

Did you see how he so easily dismissed the notion of a ninja that might be interested in gardening?  It breaks my heart.

So, here I am, a parent firmly in the ninja camp, doing his best to raise a disciple of the pirate camp.  I don’t see how it can work.  Is there maybe a pirate out there trying to raise a ninja that would be willing to trade children?  Failing that, maybe they’d just be willing to give some advice.  I sure could use it.