Wake UP

Michael Shanan Thomas, 35, of Greenwood entered into rest on Thursday, April 7, 2011, at his home in Greenwood. He was born July 6, 1975, in Fort Smith. He passed away due to complications from a misguided attempt at waking his sleeping wife with an ice cold, frozen washcloth.  His body was cremated on the spot.

Yes, this is the obituary I imagined would be printed if I had followed through on my ill-conceived plan.  That being said, sometimes it is a struggle for me to nicely and effectively get either Tamara or Griffin completely awake.  Without a doubt, they are heavy sleepers, but my issue is mostly due to the fact that I'm a light sleeper and also quite short on empathy. 

How a person can sleep through ten minutes of a dog whining in their ear is beyond my ability to comprehend.  And even more so, how can a little boy, snoozing no more than 10 feet from a weather radio, sleep through all the thunder, wind, and warning messages of the biggest storm we’ve seen in years?  I don’t know, but it’s possible.

On some mornings, I’ve literally rolled his head and then his entire body back and forth to try and jostle him into consciousness.  It takes steady attention for about five minutes to get him coaxed awake to the point that he won’t turn over and drift off again.  This is quite frustrating for me, as a morning person.  When the alarm goes off, you’re immediately supposed to hop out of bed and begin shining.  People who refuse to wake up in a timely manner tend to damage my morning calm, and that’s why I’m considering new techniques for rousing the sleeping masses.

I have already established that loud noises do nothing for Griffin.  I’d garner more exciting results by walking outside and yelling at the tomato plants.  I’m not saying that talking does absolutely nothing, but why yell if you don’t need to.  It only excites the dog.

Gently rolling the body from side to side eventually works, though by the time I notice any appreciable change, I’m ready to drag him off the top bunk by his toes.  There must be a faster way to get results.

I mentioned the possibility of using an ice-cold wash cloth at the beginning of this post.  This is most easily done by taking a wet cloth and throwing it in the freezer the night before.  The next morning, the material should be sufficiently chilled as to offset the comfort of a warm cozy bed.  Now, while I would expect this technique to work on my wife, with explosive results, I have to admit that I have my doubts about its effectiveness on my son.  He’s a master at shrugging off the small, inconsequential distractions to his sleep.  He would simply slide sideways until contact with the frigid fabric was broken, and then he’d be free to snooze again.

For this reason, I believe the ultimate weapon in the war on slow risers is…marbles.  But not just any marbles; frozen marbles.  Think about it!  They would have the same shock value as the frozen wash cloth, yet they could not be escaped.  Everywhere the body goes on the bed will cause the marbles to roll towards it and continue their work of encouraging him to flee the bed.

The solution is clear; though I’m not sure could bring myself to use it.  I have to admit, it seems a little cruel.  It is good to know, however, that I have this sort of ammunition in the arsenal just in case it’s ever warranted.