The Halfway Point

My wife and I have reached the point where we’ve known each other longer than we’ve not known each other.  I think it’s a significant milestone in our relationship, and no small feat, at least on her part.  While I got myself a normal wife, unfortunately, she got herself an engineer.

It does have its upsides, to be sure.  However, there are also a myriad of peculiarities that come as part of the package.  Does the career choice dictate the behavior, or does the behavior influence the career choice?  I don’t know.  But I do know that what she puts up with is almost universal to my kind.  I found an incredibly detailed list on these traits and made a few modifications to it.  So, by way of explanation, and in honor of Labor Day, here are some of the trials associated with my job that she’s had to endure over the years:

Social Skills

Granted, she’s done a great job in training this out of me, but engineers have entirely different objectives when it comes to social interaction.  “Normal” people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from socializing like:

·         Having stimulating and thought-provoking conversation

·         Creating important social contacts

·         Feeling connectedness with other human beings

In contrast to “normal” people, engineers tend to have more rational objectives when it comes to social interactions:

·         Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects

·         Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant

·         Get it over with as quickly as possible

Fascination With Gadgets

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed firmly into one of two categories:

1.       Things that need to be fixed

2.       Things that will need to be fixed after I’ve had a few minutes to mess with them

At their very core, engineers are problem solvers.  They love it so much that if there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.  Normal people, for the most part, don’t understand this concept; they believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it probably doesn’t have enough features yet.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to add a tazer function.  To us, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

Fashion and Appearance

This pains me to write, but without the encouragement of a loving wife or girlfriend, clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer.  Assuming the basic threshold for temperature and decency has been satisfied, the objective of clothing has been met.  Anything else is a waste.

Love of Star Trek

Engineers love all of the “Star Trek” television shows and movies.  It’s a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes exploring the secrets of the universe.  This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists mostly of hiding from the universe.

Dating and Marriage

Dating is never easy for engineers.  A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness.  Engineers are largely incapable of placing appearance above function.  Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole.  They are widely recognized as superior marriage material:  intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and somewhat handy around the house.

Honesty

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships.  It’s for this very reason that it’s best to keep them away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can’t handle the truth.

It is this strident vain of honesty that can make watching movies with engineers an excruciating experience.  Not only will they spend the entire film analyzing the true capabilities or presentation of all technical matters on the big screen, they’ll see fit to share it with those present.

Frugality

Engineers are notoriously frugal.  This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is seen as a problem in optimization, that is, “How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?”

Powers of Concentration

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer, it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else.  This, on occasion, causes them to be pronounced dead prematurely.  Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies.  Anyone with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if they “snap out of it.”

Risk

Engineers hate risk.  They will eliminate it at every possible turn.  This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it’s a big deal (i.e. Hindenburg, Space Shuttle Challenger, Titanic, Ford Pinto).

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

RISK:  Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.

REWARD:  A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing.  The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.  If that is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense:  “It’s technically possible but it will cost too much.”

Ego

Ego-wise, the most important thing to an engineer is how smart they are.  The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable.  No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem.  No illness or distraction is sufficient to get them off the case.  These types of challenges quickly become personal – a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

Along those lines, nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill.  Sometimes, less scrupulous people (managers) will use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer.  For instance, an engineer might say that a project is technically impossible to complete (code for “I don’t want to do it”), and a manager would respond by saying, “I’ll have Bob look into it.  He’s good at solving difficult problems.”