There are good days, there are bad days, and then there are completely homicidal days. Usually, you don’t even know how bad those days are until you reach the end of it and look back. They can come out of nowhere without any indication of how horrible things are going to get.
Yesterday was one of those days.
It was probably a myriad of events that grabbed and threw me sideways. I missed my morning workout, I spent nearly all day in meetings though I've got a looming project deadline, it’s the hottest part of the summer and our AC went out at work, I came home to find out Tamara had trouble with the kids and on top of that the baby was taking its toll on her. I went straight from work to taking care of everybody at the house.
A new set of problems arose once I got home. Gage refused to pick up the things he had gotten out, causing us to meet out punishment. After getting things cleaned up, he destroyed the closet in baby sister’s room, causing us to go through the whole cleanup process again. At dinner, he was playing instead of eating, and dumped a cup of milk into the kitchen floor. It was one problem after another.
I found myself getting angry. So very angry, with no real explanation of what I was even angry about. I had to walk outside and stand there for a while to get myself under control.
Even now, I’m having a hard time figuring out what justified me being so upset. The only thing I can come up with is that I must have felt entitled to have an easier time with things once I got home. It makes no sense, but that has to be it.
I moped through the evening, taking care of Tamara and the kids, and when I finally got them in bed and had a few minutes alone, it all came crashing in about what a horrible father and husband I had been. My wife needed my help, and I gave it, although grudgingly. Did I not promise to be there for her in sickness and health? Sure I did, but when it came time to put up or shut up, I did it with a sour attitude.
Is it not my job to model the behavior I want my kids to follow? Of course it is, but all they saw last night was a grumpy father who had little time to deal with them or their problems.
What an utter failure I was. It’s so easy to get focused on my own wants and needs that I forget to take care of the people under my protection.
God, help me be the father and husband that my family needs me to be.
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