Running For Office

I have decided to publically declare my candidacy for position of Emperor of These United States of America.  Through years of dedicated research, my P.A.C. (Political Action Committee) has determined that I will receive the most support by running on the platform of “Act Like A Kid Day.”

If I am elected as the Supreme Emperor, I will enact the Non-Responsibility Act of 2011, which states:

            Upon the second day of the new school year, each adult will be required to 

            cease from all normal acts of responsibleness^† and endeavor to be as childlike 

            as possible.  This includes, but is not limited to:

·         Sleeping-in as late as possible and then getting up to a prepared breakfast.

·         Playing video games or reading until you have a headache (other activities may be substituted).

·         Eating a picnic lunch after being forced outside to play “on such a pretty day.”

·         Washing the sticky Flavor-Ice residue off your body at the local swimming pool.

·         Mandatory nap.

·         Watching old school cartoons until dinner is ready.

·         Playing chase with the neighborhood parents until its dark outside.

That’s all well and good, you might say, but who will cook our food, teach our children, and call us back in the house for the night?  It’s a valid point you raise, and I must confess that details are a bit sketchy on this facet of the plan.  The current line of thought is that these positions of necessary responsibility will be filled by those individuals who needlessly and shamelessly leach off of welfare and those among us who are illegal immigrants.  This will provide the added benefit of getting something back from persons who do nothing but take from us during the other 364 days of the year.

I know that some of you are afraid to elect another official who promises high and lofty ideals, but let me encourage you to push past those fears.  By virtue of being elected Emperor, I won’t have to battle congress to get something accomplished.  I can simply write the law into existence and it will be done.  So, you are assured that I can keep my campaign promises.

If you have any questions about my policies, practices, or the impending dynasty in general, please feel free to write.  I am a benevolent leader and will do my best to address your concerns.  I look forward to ruling you in the near future.  Just make sure to write-in Michael Thomas on your next ballot for position of Emperor of the United States.  Thank You.

Emperor Elect,

Michael Thomas

(After writing this Public Service Announcement, I was informed that you may also have to write-in the actual position “Emperor of the United States” on the ballot, as it is not included.  I encourage you to do this unless it is illegal in your area.)

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^† Emperors are allowed to make up their own words.