Why I Don't Sleep Late On Saturdays

Saturday used to be such a lazy day.  When we were in college and for nearly five years after, we could sleep till 10 or 11 o’clock in the morning.  With the advent of children, that has drastically changed.  No matter how late we go to bed at night, I’m assured to be woken up around 6 a.m.  It does wear on you after a while.  In fact, I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

Why don’t I just tell the kids not to bother me on Saturday morning?  Well we haven’t quite reached the point in their development where that is feasible.  You see, toddler time runs differently than adult time.  If Gage has been awake for more than 10 minutes, he feels as though if half the day is already gone.  Griffin is starting to get the hang of it, but occasionally still thinks everything that happened in the past actually took place yesterday.

So, when I tell my boys to play quietly in their room until we get up, this is what happens:

6:03 a.m.

Two pairs of feet tip-toe up to my side of the bed

Griffin:  “Daddy, can I watch something on TV?

Me (groggily):  “You woke me up to ask about TV?  No.  Go to your room.”

Gage:  “I want some Eggo waffles.”

Me (growing irritated):  “Go play in your room, I’ll feed you in a little bit.”

6:07 a.m.

I am violently ripped from my slumber as one of the children dump a large container of Die Cast Matchbox cars on their bedroom floor…with their door opened.  I get out of bed, tromp through the hall and tell them, in no uncertain terms, that they are to keep their door closed and play quietly.  Then, I go back to bed.

6:23 a.m.

A nagging, drumming sound coaxes me from my precious 15 minutes respite.  Something’s not right.  That drumming sound is getting louder.  I trudge out into the living room where the boys have dismantled their plastic alligator see-saw.  At current, they are using the handles to mercilessly beat the lifeless alligator.  How this hasn’t awakened sister, I do not understand, but the troublesome two are sent back to their bedroom amid protests of boredom and hunger.

6:37 a.m.

A wail like an air raid siren rattles me from the bed.  We are either being invaded or Gage is hurt.  It turns out to be the latter.  Passing by the nursery, I sourly note that sister is now awake and powering toward full steam.  The boys have taken fixing breakfast into their own hands.  Griffin is toasting Eggo waffles and eating them dry.  Amid watching his brother, while perched upon a laundry basket, Gage has fallen onto the tile floor.

At this point, the chances of nabbing a little extra shut-eye have dwindled to nothing.  Maybe if we get some breakfast fixed, and if we don’t have anywhere else to go, and if there’s not too many chores to get done around the house, and if all the children take a nap about the same time, then we might be able to sneak in a little nap too.

I realize that there’s a whole lot of ‘If’ coming off of that plan…but maybe we'll get lucky.

(*Shakes Magic 8-ball*) – “Outlook not so good”

Boys Will Be Boys

I’m sure that at some point in your life, you’ve heard the phrase “He’s all boy” or maybe “Boys will be boys”.  But have you ever wondered exactly what that means?  Surely it doesn’t mean that the little tow-headed urchin running around the house is only half boy.  And furthermore, if boys aren’t boys, what else could they be?

I assure you that these phrases have meaning that goes far beyond their face value.  For a deeper explanation, let’s consider the goings on around my house a week or so ago:

Getting Ready for a Cave Tour

Saturday mornings are generally a quiet time.  On this particular morning, I was on my way to the sink to brush my teeth when I noticed some odd patches of discoloration in the bathtub.  I leaned down to get a closer look at said patches and was immediately hit by the strong smell of ammonia.  “Griffin,” I yelled.  “Get in here!”  My eldest came bounding into our bathroom, “What is it, Daddy?”  I looked at my brilliant, straight A student and calmly asked, “Did you pee in my bathtub?”  A wave of emotions played over his face as he struggled to figure out what the right answer would be.  Finally he decided to just go with the truth and said, “Yes.”  “Why did you do that,” I asked him.  His reply…”Well, I just wanted to.”  That was good enough for me; everyone knows boys will be boys.  “Clean it up and don’t do that again,” I said.  There was no need for any harsher correction, after all, I can still remember when I was a little boy and thought it would be a most excellent idea to pee in my parent’s metal trashcan instead of the toilet.  Ah, good times…

But the day didn’t end there.  When I went outside to mow the lawn, I came across a strange monument in the backyard.  Someone had taken almost every decorative stone in our back flowerbed and pitched them into the grass.  For those of you who don’t shoulder the responsibility of maintaining the yard, it’s fairly common knowledge that lawnmower blades do NOT like decorative stones.  As my Troy Built clinked and sputtered in death throes, I yelled out to my children, “Boys, get over here!”  They rather sheepishly made their way from the swing set to where I was standing.  “Why are these rocks in the yard,” I asked.  “We didn’t mean to throw them out here,” the elder spokesman stated.  “Umm, yes you did,” I replied, “or they wouldn’t be out here instead of the flowerbed.”  They shuffled from foot to foot as I passed judgment, “Pick ‘em up and put ‘em back.  Every last one of them.”  Why did they hurl them with wild abandon in the first place?  No doubt they were protecting themselves from tigers or sharks or maybe tiger sharks.  Those are the kind of games boys play…and both of them are all boy.

The very next day was Sunday.  I only mention that because it’s important to note that the boys are dressed in their Sunday best.  Somehow, they managed to elude the watchful eyes of every adult at my parent’s house and make it outside.  Upon hearing five or so minutes of unnatural silence, we began to fervently try to locate the children.  When I found them, they were standing ankle deep in a mud puddle, preparing to spread their chosen medium across the canvass of the driveway.  Griffin had thought far enough ahead to roll up his pant legs…we weren’t so lucky with Gage.  They were tremendously proud of the grimy foot prints they had artfully put on display, and why shouldn’t they be?  That’s the type of thing that boys do.

So, you see, these phrases serve as gentle reminders that if little boys aren’t watched like hawks, they’re likely to do some off the wall things.  In fact, just the other night, I overheard them plotting something to do with the dog’s hiney.  I don’t know if they were going to sniff it, or poke at it, or what, but it’s just another example of boys being boys.  An interesting idea strikes them, and they immediately execute it with little regard to whether or not they should.  It definitely keeps things interesting.

Fun Things To Do With A Baby

A number of my single friends have expressed confusion as to why a normal healthy couple would want to mess up the “status quo” of their lives by having a child.  Seeing as how Haven was our third attempt at creating the perfect infant, this seems to make me an authority on all progeny related questions.

In truth, I find very little use for newborns.  They eat.  They poop.  And if you’re lucky, they sleep.  Life is very boring until they start showing those first signs of personality.  Once that happens, you’re in for a whole boatload of fun.  Here are just a few examples of what’s in store for new parents:

Lip synching

Babies can hear sound just fine.  In fact, they can hear before they’re even born.  I used to regularly encourage the children to kick their mother while they were still in utero.  That’s definitely not something you can get away with when they’re two or three years old.  But just because the baby can hear sound doesn’t mean that they know where it’s coming from.  I enjoy putting Haven down on the floor, getting right over her, and lip synching to whatever is playing on the stereo.  She often lays there mesmerized.  Someday this will probably backfire and I’ll have to explain to her why I don’t actually have the vocal range of Loreena McKennitt, but until then it’ll be quite entertaining.

Magic Tricks

No matter your skill level with magical tricks, the baby makes a perfect audience.  Does your ‘slight-of-hand’ leave a little to be desired?  Not an issue!  A baby’s eyes can’t really track that fast, so you can generally make the object disappear the first time, every time, even if it takes you a couple of tries.  Under the right conditions, even an ill-trained amateur could make an elephant sized object vanish without a hitch.  The only drawback is that the infant is a very poor choice when audience participation is needed.  It’s best to steer away from all tricks that start out with ‘pick a card.’

Fishing for Babies

I saved this fun little game for last because there is an additional requirement to it.  The child has to be mobile enough to move across the floor by rolling, crawling, or some form of scooting.  The idea is to put the baby down on a clean floor and then ‘cast’ a toy out in front of them.  About the time they get to it, you reel the toy in a little bit and make the baby change course.  You would think the child would quickly give up and get mad, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.  You can get at least a good twenty minutes of entertainment of leading the baby in a circle around the living room.  It’s also a great way to wear the child out before bedtime.

These are just a few of many ideas that make the baby a fun and entertaining addition to the family.  If I run across any more, I’ll make sure and post them.

An Update On Crazy Letters

Yesterday was a boon for responses from my crazy letter writing campaign.  I've learned that you get a much better response from corporations if you take the time to snail mail them, and will be using that method in the future.

I'm still a little disappointed in the tone of the responses I'm getting.  I was hoping to hit on someone that would respond with an equal sense of humor, but that hasn't happened so far.  This leads me to believe that either the company won't allow a humorous response, or I'm no where near as funny as I think I am.  Tamara has also suggested that maybe if I didn't sound like such a lunatic, my letters might be more easily deciphered as an attempt at joking...we'll see.

My first response comes from Cambell's Soup.  To see the letter I wrote to prompt the response click here.

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Dear Mr Thomas:

Thank you for taking the time to let us know that you think our Campbell's SpaghettiOs A to Zs Shaped Pasta with Meatballs in Tomato Sauce is "M'm! M'm! Good!"  I've forwarded your kind words to the rest of my team so that they too may know that their efforts are appreciated.

At Campbell, our number one priority is to delight our consumers.  We realize that it is consumers like you who have helped build our businesses and we sincerely appreciate your loyalty.

As a small token of our thanks, I've enclosed a coupon.  Please use it to enjoy your favorite product from the Campbell family of brands including V8, Prego, Pace and Pepperidge Farm.

********
They did enclose a $1.00 coupon for any product, and a Campbell's Soup Cook Booklet.

The second letter I got was from ConAgra Foods, the people who own David's Sunflower Seeds.  To see my list of helpful suggestions, click here.

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Dear Mr. Thomas,

Thank you for your correspondence in regard to our David Seeds.  We appreciate consumers like you who think of ConAgra Foods as a company with whom you want to share your ideas.

As you might know, ConAgra Foods employs hundreds if not thousands of employees whose role includes generating and developing new ideas for the company, whether it be for new products, new marketing campaigns, and the like.  Consumer feedback plays a key role in generating new ideas.  However, we are not able to enter into a formal, confidential relationship with consumers for ideas they submit, as we do not want to create any potential confusion as to the source of any similar ideas that we may separately and independently develop.  Please understand that our inability to accept your ideas does not reflect in any way on the nature and quality of the ideas.

Thank you again for sharing your feedback with ConAgra Foods.  We greatly appreciate your interest in our products and your patronage!

********

They enclosed two 50 cent coupons for any of their products.  I was really disappointed in this response.  I thought my letter would at least net me a 5 gallon bucket of seeds.  I am doing pretty well in the coupon category, but let me tell you, this is NOT the way to build up your coupon stock.  It's much easier to clip them out of Sunday's paper than pen a witty letter.

I'm still holding out for a response from Dr. Pepper.  Maybe one day it will come.

Official Sunflower Seeds of MLB

This is a copy of a letter sent to the David Sunflower Seed Company.

David Sunflower Seed Company,

Just the other day I was in a gas station convenience store, looking for a snack.  I passed the sunflower seeds in the Frito Lay cabinet and saw a proudly displayed label claiming that they were the official sunflower seed of the MLB.  I couldn’t believe it.  I quickly ran to the David sunflower seeds and looked for a similar label, but it was nowhere to be found.

It strikes a dissonant chord with my childhood memories, to know that those big buckets of David sunflower seeds are no longer in the dugouts.  Nor will they be sold at the ballpark.  I have tickets to an Orioles-Yankees game in a few weeks, and I’m going to have to figure out a way to sneak my own stash of David into the park.

Frito Lay has already fallen off my ‘good list’ over an issue with their peanut butter cheese crackers.  Right now, I don’t have much faith in their ability to hold to a tried-and-true recipe.  Being the official Sunflower Seed of the MLB is a serious commitment, and not one that I believe Frito Lay can fulfill for an extended amount of time.

That’s why I have decided to offer my assistance to help the David Company retain its rightful place.  Some people look at sunflower seeds and wonder, “Can there possibly be any new boundaries left to find in the world of sunflower seeds?”  To this I would respond with a hearty, “YES!”

My first idea is more of a long term venture.  Admittedly, it might not be feasible at this stage due to a lack of advancement in agricultural engineering, but let’s just look at that as an opportunity.  What I’m talking about here is the Sunflower Tree.  I know it almost sounds a little gimmicky at first, but if you were able to switch from harvesting seeds off of plants to harvesting off trees, people would be running over each other at the gas station to get your seeds.  It’s also a ‘Green’ solution, in that trees process more carbon dioxide than seasonal plants.  I believe this is where the future of sunflower seeds is headed.

My second idea is much plainer in nature.  David already has a wide variety of flavors when it comes to sunflower seeds, but a bit of research shows that you do not have Bacon flavor seeds, yet.  I don’t know how the industry has overlooked this particular flavor.  The bacon movement has been growing steadily since 2002, and I expect it to surge as we move on into the 21^st century.  I must warn you though that Frito Lay has a jump in this arena since they have been experimenting with Bacon and Cheddar flavored crackers.  I just hope this suggestion doesn’t come too late.

Thirdly, I believe I’ve come up with an original idea for an, as of yet, un-cracked market (please pardon the pun).  There’s quite a large market for pre-shelled sunflower seeds, but no one has even thought to test the market on Seedless Sunflower Shells.  One of the greatest advancements in Grape technology was the introduction of the seedless grape.  I don’t see why the seedless sunflower kernel couldn’t receive the same adulation at market.  It makes so much sense, when you stop to think about what people are really after when they pop open a bag of seeds.  Isn’t it just the salty taste and the crunch? Plus, this gives you an opportunity to make a profit off those seemingly useless shells that are generated when making a “Seed only” product.

Finally, my last idea is simply a marketing ploy, but even those can be useful.  Those connected in the gaming world are well aware of the impending release of Plants vs. Zombies 2.  Pop Cap has recently issued a statement that the second installment of their wildly popular game will be released sometime in the next decade.  The reason I bring this up is because the Sunflower is a crucial tool in the gamer’s arsenal, and what better way to capture the hearts and minds of the masses than for it to be a David Sunflower, or maybe even a David Sunflower Tree, on that computer screen!

So, here’s hoping that these ideas can net your company the coveted position of official Sunflower Seed of the MLB again.  If I can be of any further assistance to you, or you need to consult me on more details, please feel free to contact me.

Sincerely,

Michael Thomas

To see their reply, click here.

Blood Bank Deposit

People who regularly donate blood to their local blood bank are heroes, in my opinion, and should be commended for what they do.  That being said, there are many people who just can’t do that sort of thing.  Either they don’t meet the qualifications, or they’re just too skittish around needles to make it through the process.  And then, there are people like me, in that grey area, that are physically capable of enduring the process, yet need to be guilted into it.

I wasn’t always this way.  In high school, I was even excited about the prospect of giving blood to save other lives.  It was in the spirit of that youthful exuberance that I experienced my first real taste of humility.  I do not remember all the details of my first blood donation, possibly due to the fact that I was not conscious for the entire procedure.  I had neglected to eat breakfast that morning, and somewhere toward the end of my donation, I felt the strangest tingling sensation crawling its way up my legs.  I remember mumbling something about ‘feeling strange’ and hearing a nurse yell, “We’re losing him,” and then I woke up…lying in a completely different place than I was just sitting.  Beyond that, there were six people looking down at me and I had an ice pack down my shirt and behind my neck.  It was not a pleasant introduction to the world of blood donation.

My second bad experience was due to my own stupidity.  But like they say, ‘Bad decisions make good stories.’  I sat down at my station and got hooked up to the bag.  Being the highly intelligent senior that I was, I put my burgeoning math skills to work and figured out I could fill the bag quicker if I squeezed on the stress ball at a faster rate.  Had I bothered to take an Anatomy course at any point during my high school years, I might not have overlooked a crucial fact that the body can only lose blood so fast before a person will…faint.  Yeah, I did it again.  At least I knew what was happening this time.

I donated a few more times before I eventually quit.  I just never made time for it over the intervening fifteen years.  That all changed last Tuesday, when our company sent out an e-mail saying that the blood bank was parked out front and desperately needed more people to come by.  They encouraged us to go out and donate…so I did.

My nerves were slightly jangled as I approached the big bus and went inside.  After a short wait, they took me into an office, roughly the size of an airplane bathroom and sat me down to answer some questions.  The screening process had gotten quite a bit longer since last time I donated, but despite that fact, I qualified anyway.  In fact, I’d done so well that I qualified for a new process called Double Red Cell donation.  The nurse was very excited about this, but she seemed pretty excited about everything, so I didn’t think too much of it.

She asked if I was willing to do this donation where they took two units of blood, instead of one, and separated the valuable red cells from the plasma and platelets.  At the end of each unit, they return the plasma and platelets along with a saline solution.  It gave the blood bank more red cells, and left the donor feeling more hydrated.  The only drawback being that you can’t donate again for 112 days (if you see that as a drawback).

I read the sheet detailing the procedure as well as possible side effects (coldness, tingling around the lips, cramps, nausea, metallic taste in the mouth, air embolism, etc.), and agreed to do it.  How often do those things happen anyway?  I left the office and headed out to the chair, feeling my blood pressure slowly rise as it grew closer to time for the needle.  I was determined not to faint.

I’ll admit, the stick was a bit uncomfortable, but I quickly adjusted to the needle in my arm.  All went fairly well for the first unit.  They had to keep telling me to squeeze the stress ball, but you can understand my reluctance to overdo it in that arena.

Then came the reintroduction of the saline solution.  It was everything I had hoped it wouldn’t be.  They must have kept this stuff in the deep freeze before hooking it to my vein, because as soon as it hit, it numbed me all the way to my fingers.  I’ve accused people of having ice water in their veins before, but now I can completely understand why such a person would have an unpleasant disposition.

Next, the metallic taste hit my tongue and I felt my feet begin to tingle.  That scared me because I didn’t know if it was normal or I was about to go ‘lights out.’  I was also too full of pride to mention it to the nurses, so I just fidgeted and hoped for the best.  The worst part came toward the end of the first return when I got this strange, warm sensation deep in my ears.  I did mention that one to the nurses, hoping if it was unnatural, they’d unhook me.  Much to my dismay, they didn’t seem too concerned.  And then it was over.  Well, technically, it was exactly half-way over.  We had to do the entire process the second time.

By the end of the second run, I was shivering uncontrollably from the cold saline.  So much so, that the other blood donors were getting concerned and I was drawing a small crowd of nurses.  But, finally, the machine kicked off and it was over.  I was so happy when they unhooked me, and I wasted no time in getting out and lounging in the warm sun.

Was I happy I did it?  Yes.

Did I feel more hydrated?  Yes.  Heavens, Yes.  And that’s not necessarily a great thing when you’re driving home from work and there’s not a bathroom in sight.

Was the pain/side effects worth it? Maybe.

Will I do it again?  Not sure.

I know this hasn’t exactly been a fabulous promotion of blood donation, but maybe if more of you brave people would get out there and do it they wouldn’t be tapping us weenies to step forward and fill the gap.  I, for one, would appreciate that, and so would the person who’s life you might save.

People and Shapes

I’m not sure how it really happened.  I just came home one day and Tamara said, “You need to listen to this.”

“Gage, what shape is daddy?”

My little three year old boy looked up and scrutinized me for a moment before saying, “A circle.”  I admit, it was none too flattering, as my mind quickly began to consider, ‘Holy cow, am I really that round?’  Then she asked the next question.

“What shape is mommy?”

His reply, “Mmmm, an octagon.”

It was then that I understood his assessment had a lot less to do with our appearance and more to do  with…well, I’m not really sure what.  So, for your reading pleasure, I have compiled the following table of people and their alleged shapes, according to my three year old:

Name	Estimated Shape
Daddy	Circle
Mommy	Hexagon
Griffin	Circle
Gage	Circle
Haven	Circle
Mammy	Hexagon
Pa	Circle
Me-me	Hexagon
Pa-paw	Circle
Uncle Russ	Circle
Aunt Charlotte	Hexagon
Miranda	Hexagon
Larissa	Hexagon
Uncle Kenny	Circle
Aunt Karen	Hexagon
Kendal	Circle
Karinda	Hexagon
Uncle Darren	Circle
Aunt Christy	Hexagon
Ashley	Hexagon
Uncle Charles	Circle
Aunt Neen	Hexagon
Dexter	Circle
Alex	Hexagon
Piper	Hexagon

At first brush, you might be tempted to say that he believes all girls to be hexagons and all boys to be circles, but baby sister is the fly in the ointment for that theory.  She is the lone girl that is consistently a circle no matter how many times you ask him.  Add to this the fact that mommy started out as an octagon, but now moves between a circle and a hexagon.  We were informed, yesterday, that when she’s nice, she’s a circle; when she’s mean, she’s a hexagon.

I really don’t know what equation his little mind uses to figure all this out, but if your name isn’t on the list above and you have a burning desire to know your shape, send me an e-mail and I’ll have Gage do a free reading on you.